The Story of Me

I think I am going to use my blog as a journal so I can figure out who I am at this point in my life. I think I might be having a mid-life crisis but not if it means I need a new red sports car and an affair. I don't think I need either one of those, thank you very much. I am just lost. I don't know any other way to say it. And when I try to explain it to my husband or close friends, I am blank. I was in therapy for a long time and I remember once the therapist asked me if I had all the money in the world, a happy, settled family and could do anything I wanted, what would it be? I couldn't think of one thing. I am not exaggerating - nothing. I have devoted my life to other people (raising children, friends in need) and I have always been a fixer. If something is wrong somewhere then I am going to fix it. We went through some family things that were not fixable which landed me in 3 years of therapy. Evidently I need to go back, huh?

I probably should make my blog more anonymous, maybe I will need to start all over to do that. I am in a very weird place right now and the only thing that makes me happy is my beautiful grandbaby. I get to watch him every other week while his parents work and it is the only time I feel alive. Thank God for my precious grandchild!

We will start with the basics: My parents were born in London and Scotland, respectively, my oldest brother and I were born in Canada, my younger brother and sister were born in Pennsylvania so how the hell did we end up in a tiny little town in West Virginia? I am married (for the second time) to a wonderful guy, I have two daughters (27 & 22) and three stepsons (23, 20, 18). My house was the "hang out" house while my children were growing up, which was fine with me because then I knew where they were, who they were with and what they were doing. 2 of my stepsons came to live with us as soon as they were old enough to and the youngest is the last child at home. He is a senior in High School and he will be the death of me. He is cute as a button, charming as hell, and in trouble all the time. I am very intuitive so I figure things out quickly. He, on the other hand, thinks I have spies planted everywhere to spy on him and tell on him. I can't tell him what he is doing to get caught at everything or else he will know not to do those things anymore. My girls told him long ago that I knew everything. They didn't know how or who told me but I would know gossip from their school before they did. They think I have ESP. They told him not to test it, but.....................he didn't believe them. So needless to say I am way ahead in this game. My husband works out of town most of the time which makes it hard for me because I don't want to be the evil "step-monster". But I think we have a good relationship and so I just tell him how it is and then I listen to his side (and then tell him why his side is wrong :)

I worked outside the home before I graduated from High School and worked up until 4 years ago. The company I worked for was closing their office that was located in my area and they were going to let me work out of my house until they reopened about 6 months later. They were going to let the other office girls go. So my husband and I talked about it and I decided that I would let one of the girls who was a single mother and struggling have the "work from home" position and I would quit. This was when my youngest daughter was a senior is High School and my youngest stepson didn't live with us yet. My oldest stepson did live with us but he was a year and a half older than my daughter and in college already. So the plan was after my daughter graduated and entered college that I would travel with my husband on some of his business trips. I have never been one to leave my kids - when they were young I couldn't bear to leave them for the weekend because I hadn't seen them as much as I would have liked while working all week - and when they got older, I wouldn't leave them because I knew there would be parties at my house! I always told my kids, "I was born at night, but not last night" when they tried to get stuff over on me! Anyway, now that they were a little older, I figured if I traveled a little with my husband, they may have some company but not wild parties. I didn't get to test that theory out, though, as that same summer my youngest stepson came to live with us.

OK, this is a good place to take a break and let everything I just told you soak in. Just wanted to give you a glimpse into our family dynamic. I will pick it up from here the next time I post.

Til next time,
Q